It feels like I've been replaced. But replaced isn't the right word because no one is there to take my place. It feels more like I was wiped out or erased. Mostly from any life I had before this year. Maybe I did it to myself or maybe people just moved on. The thing is though, I haven't. I'm still stuck going over past memories. Good memories. The kinds of memories I can't erase. And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my past because it held so much of me and now it's just gone. And I can't bring any of it back.  

What I'm I doing with my life?

That has been the one question on my mind for the past couple of weeks. 

A lot has changed since last year and I never could have guessed that I would be like this now. I don't even know how to explain it. I just feel so... outside looking in? I guess that's what you'd call it. I kind of did this thing at my new school where I didn't let to much of myself show (don't ask me why) and it's definitely had its ups. I mean, I focus way more on my school work, I've written my best play yet, and I'm totally growing into an adult. That stuff is totally awesome. No doubt.

But I've kinda lost a lot too. Like my friends. I don't really talk to them or see them much. And when I was watching the Indians lose to Boston (most embarassing thing of my life might I add), I thought of my friends Maia and Annie who both love baseball (Maia more for Grady and Annie for the game). It really made me miss them. And my friends Margaret and Rachel, who I would spend hours at a time laughing with. I never laughed as hard with anyone as I did with them. How about Stacey, Taylor, Shayne, or Nicole? The only people I ever told what I was really feeling inside. The only people I knew that wouldn't judge me, but just listen. I miss that. I miss knowing that I've got a friend to turn to when things get tough or when I have something exciting to share and think that they're the only ones who will understand my excitement. I miss the inside jokes and the 2:00 a.m. conversations.

Now, I mostly think about my writing career and my future and how much of an adult I've become. I'm not quite sure that I feel comfortable in this skin. Because, you know, it's nice to go back to being a kid every now and then. You only get to do it once. Right?

Anyways, I've never really been good with these blog things. I'm either crying like a baby or I'm talking about nothing. That's what it seems like anyways. So, I'm deciding that I'm going to make a call. A call out to any and all who might just happen to read this on a rainy day. And I'm telling you that you should read every post before this and try and tell me who I am. You don't have to leave a comment or leave email me. Just, in your heart and mind, tell me who you think I am. My hope is that once I get over this, whatever this is, I can dig deep inside of myself and somehow find a part of you that will bring me back to my old self. 

If pigs could fly
We'd have world peace

Okay, not really, but I am going to Buffalo! I don't think that there are any buffalo there though. haha Anyways, I'm super excited for it. 

So, nothing has really been new with me, kinda. I guess I've lost some weight because I never get to eat and I'm always playing (hey, sounds like I'm a rockstar! lolz). It is definitely fun though. My pitching is gettting a lot better and I'm starting to feel more comfortable on the mound. 

Keeping in touch with my HB friends has been easier (<3 u facebook!), and I suppose I'm still excited about going to CSA (cuz I KNOW it will be amazing.) I'm starting to get a little nervous though. I mean, I haven't changed schools since third grade! And I don't really know anyone there... I think this is just the beginning of my nervous break down. Hopefully, I'll be able to handle myself. I mean, people have to do this stuff all the time, right? So, I should be fine. 

Okay... I'm totally lying to myself. I'm SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!! But, I've got amazing friends now who will help me through the awkward transition, so I hope I'll be okay. I think I will. I should be. I'll do just fine.

I'm soooo freaking tired! I've been playing games non-stop. I barely made it to Maia's party (thank god I did. It was fun!) and I missed Divya's sleep over (which totally made me sad because I love Divya and the party had mad-cool people at it and I KNOW I would have enjoyed it). And now my mom is all like "well, I'm really sorry you couldn't make it. I really am." Ahh! SCREW YOU! She did this to me. Once I am finally able to get a social life, something else steps in and ruins it. 

Well, I know things are gonna get worse because even though I worked my ass of last quarter, I have this sinking feeling that I didn't do as well as I would have hoped. This is bad. 

Besides that, for one week in October I'm going to Washington D.C. for a student leadership conference! YAY! I'm going to go on a plane, and I'm TOTALLY nervous. I was on one ONCE, but I don't even remember that. I think I've some how created a fear of flying. I'm totally lame like that. 

And I'm going to Imagination High over the summer which is this one week writing seminar at CSU. I'm totally excited. I'm going because the director of the Creative Writing Program over at CSA is running it and he wants me to go. EXCITING!

I'll update a little later on my game status. And... I will start my countdown to buffalo on sunday! =]

"You were the one who made things different, you were the one who took me in. You were the one thing I could count on, above all, you were my friend." ~ Tom Petty

To give you a small, but proper introduction, I will begin by telling you about myself. I'll list what I'm interested in and you can decide if we could possibly become cabaret buddies...


I'm Praying For Love In:
- Fastpitch Softball
- My Family
- My Personal Life
- My Friends
- Supernatural
- Fueled By Forums
- Supernatural Asylum
- Radio
- Concerts
- Theatre
- Music Labels:
~ DecayDance
~ Fueled By Ramen
- Music:
~ Panic! At the Disco
~ Fall Out Boy
~ The Academy Is...
~ Paramore
~ Punchline
~ Cute Is What We Aim For
~ Cobra Starship
~ Gym Class Heroes
~ The Hush Sound
~ The A.K.A's (ARE EVERYWHERE!)
~ Lifetime
~ Days Away
~ The Pietasters
~ Kane Hodder
~ Less Than Jake
~ October Fall
~ This Providence


You'd Be Paying In Naivety If I didn't Share that I'm:
~ Adventurous
~ Energetic
~ Pioneering
~ Courageous
~ Enthusiastic
~ Confident
~ Dynamic
~ Quick-witted
~ Selfish
~ Quick-tempered
~ Impulsive
~ Impatient
~ Foolhardy
~ Daredevilish